My Little Sunshine

It is cloudy today in Loudoun County, Virginia, so I thought it was the perfect time to share a little "sunshine" with each of you.  There is no question, Aiden is MY sunshine and this video brings a smile to my face.  Please enjoy Aiden's "rock" version of You are My Sunshine.  Also, my last blog post had about 400 views over the past few days; thanks to all of you for taking the time to drop by.  More coming soon!

   

I just love him; my sweet little sunshine.  :) 

Last we spoke...

Last we spoke – well, last I wrote – I painted you a picture of my life.  My words drew an outline of a happy family; a household that struggled but overcame unimaginable odds.  The pencil sketch wasn’t perfect but the lines were strong and ambition was real.  Since my last entry, I found the passion I shared with each of you starting to wan.  Life became complicated and I watched our drawing change before my eyes. (FYI -this is not related to Aiden’s health; he is doing great.)  Thick black lines began to blur and varying shades of gray emerged.  I found myself desperately trying to erase the past, but – no matter how hard I tried – the faint impression of old memories was imprinted on the paper.

I know that I drew each of you the most perfect-imperfect picture you had ever seen.  I had no intention of actually doing this, but – nonetheless – that is exactly what I did.  I did not give myself an opportunity to grieve or fully process the hell that we went through.  I just cheered about how we were starting fresh and loving every second of our new normal.  In truth, I only allowed myself to focus on Aiden and his health.  I felt immense guilt for becoming upset about anything else; concerns regarding my marriage, family, friends, career, personal happiness were pushed aside. I worked hard to stockpile all my prayers, hopes, and dreams for the health and happiness of my child.

"The pencil sketch wasn’t perfect but the lines were strong and ambition was real"

  

Though I will never stop praying for the well being of Aiden, I do realize now the err in my ways.  Aiden’s health and happiness does not exist in a vacuum.  He is impacted by all aspects of life and looks to Chris and I as examples on how to thrive; it is our job – as parents – to rise to this occasion.

**Photo courtesy of Kristen Gardner Photography**  Being a good parent is remembering how to be a kid again

The “complications” I mentioned earlier, surround a fragile marriage, disheartened friendships, arduous move and now ill-fated job change.  Weaved throughout each complication, though, is the fear and anxiety that always exists surrounding a sick child (even when the child is all better).  I was not able to wrap my head around any of this because it was all too, well, complicated.  The thing is – I don’t live in a vacuum either. 

 

Chris and I are committed to each other and our marriage.  We are rebuilding our union, which was put on hold for such a long while during Aiden’s treatment.  I am attempting to open communications with friends and trying, though excruciatingly difficult (for me), to let some lost friendship go.  The move back to our home is OVER so I can at least cross that one off my list.  Chris and I will never again, though, attempt to move, repaint our home and renovate our rental property in the span of two-week’s time.  

 

**Photo courtesy of Kristen Gardner Photography**  It's been six years now; we have been through so much, but know that true love will persist

  

Last but not least, my job.  I recently started a full-time position with a company that I hold near and dear to my heart.  Shortly after arriving, though, I realized the position was not a good fit for me.  I so wanted this decision to be the right one.  Fortunately, though, it was not.  This wrong move was the catalyst I needed to finally do something I really love.  

One December 1^st 2012, with the love and support of my husband and the inspiration of my son, I started my own business as an independent marketing consultant.  Aiden is a Gaelic word which means “Little Fire” and out of that FIRELIGHT CONSULTING LLC was borne. To me the word fire symbolizes my son, my passion, and my unwavering commitment to all that I do.  It is true, every idea – in business and in life – beings with a spark.

I created this document back in college while taking a transition to workplace course; my career summary has changed a bit over the years, but note my long-term goal (bottom of picture)

  

Okay, okay…taking my marketing hat off for a moment…

I think that I am finally okay with this ever-changing picture of my life.  I have decided to cut myself some slack and let go of guilt.  This is easier said than done, though, so I will continue taking baby steps.  Instead of shutting down when I get overwhelmed, I am going to pick up the phone and call a friend or go outside for a brisk run or write out my feelings. Here’s to living life in full color and re-painting your own picture whenever and however you darn-well please! 

 

**Photo courtesy of Kristen Gardner Photography**  Laughter and love go hand-in-hand

 With all the being said, Hello Sunshine is back! I have so much more to share and plan on making writing a priority in my life.  I hope you decide to hop back in my car and – again – come along for the ride.

 

 Well, this is "my ride"; albeit a dirty one :)

Welcome!

About a year ago, as the end to Aiden’s treatment started to near, I found myself daydreaming about writing.  I needed to let my creative juices flow, write out loud and really start celebrating all the little accomplishments in my very new life.  Every millisecond of downtime and moment of gentle stillness I found my mind shifting from an all too precious calm to a tangled barrage of ideas.  Where to even start?  At the time, the very thought eluded me.

When my schedule permits, I often take the long way home after a morning of errands so that my little love bug can enjoy a few extra moments of uninterrupted slumber.  I am not sure if it is the steady humming of the tires over the uneven pavement or the transformation of my windshield into a living canvas but my wheels they start-a-turnin.’

I knew that I wanted to blog.  Blog again, to be correct.  I yearned for this creative outlet to be different.  Rally for Aiden was a place where I shared medical updates, advocated for pediatric cancer awareness and spoke on behalf of my family.  I struggled between pouring out my very personal feelings and writing in the third person.  I took care not to overstep boundaries and usually let my neurotic, politically-correct self take charge.  I evaded vulnerability at all cost.

Sometimes, though, thoughts I kept locked in the protective shell of my heart would began to trickle out.  Soon the drops would multiply creating a downpour and words would spill onto paper.  At that point there was no turning back and, boy, did it feel good.  The comments soon followed; flooding my inbox like the unexpected blog post pouring from my heart.  That is when I started to realize that writing, like life, cannot always be perfectly planned.  Words, moments, unfathomable truths make us and our stories unique. 

My life is by no means “normal” but really what family defines normal anyway.  Before actually getting married, working a real job, owning a home and having a baby I had very idealistic expectations of what my life should be like.  White picket fences in the suburbs;  briefcase-toting, argyle-sock wearing husband; cardigans and pearls; corner-office overlooking a cityscape;  PhD following my name; 3+ well rounded, healthy kiddos…you know, the norm (ha..ha).  From the perception of a doe-eyed co-ed this all seemed attainable.

Well, sweet, naïve twenty-something self, life is not a fairytale; it has the ability to be so much better than that.



Surprised?  Don’t be.

My life – blemishes and all – makes me whole.  Who wants to run around town in a petticoat and glass slippers anyway?  

Grappling with Aiden’s cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery, gives me perspective.  I try each day to focus on tiny moments; celebrating accomplishments and new discoveries with Aiden every chance I get.  I do not wish time away nor do I live in a haze of unreachable goals.  Today is what matters.  

Don’t get me wrong, I have bad moments, weaknesses that sometimes overwhelm my rational mind.  I just no longer let those moments turn into days.  Really, life is just too short.  Plus, writing – delightfully free of all insurance prior authorizations – is a kind of therapy for me. 

Recently, when researching a name for my new blog, I came across the following quote by Alan Cohen, “Don’t wait until the conditions are prefect to begin.  Beginning makes the conditions perfect.”  Touché Chicken Soup-loving man, touché.

And with that, I shall begin!  Hope you all decide to come along for the ride.