The Shower

Last night I didn’t want to shower.

Strange intro to a blog entry, I know.

The truth is – I learned much about myself when Aiden was in treatment and this “shower thing” was one of the line items on my list of self-truths.  Yes, showers can be refreshing and calming, a direct conduit to relaxation.  Of course, they also serve a necessary, hygienic purpose.  The second I felt my emotional balance begin to waiver, though, the idea of standing in a shower – naked and alone – petrified me.

I would quickly – but efficiently, I assure you – shampoo, condition, and shave while Christmas music blared from my smart phone.  No, it wasn’t December or even November for that matter; it was a distraction.  Back then I was fighting the urge to think.  At times, my thoughts would run wild - kicking, bucking, and bespeaking harm to anyone daring to intervene.  I just made it my job to Fa La La La while I rub-a-dub-dubbed. 

Outside of these isolated moments, I was in go-mode.  My mind didn’t have a chance to overload when I was running at hyper-speed.  Now that Aiden has been in remission (for about a year and a half – praise the Lord) I just assumed those thoughts would melt away much like the last patches of snow in the early days of spring.  The thoughts are still there, though, frozen in my mind; they are reduced in number but present none-the-less.

This week I felt my emotional health begin to take a hit.  Even knowing – all too well – the importance of physical-mental-spiritual wellness, I ignored my body’s cues and continued on my personal path to exhaustion.  I tried to be supermom, happy homemaker, and doting wife while also running a very new business.  I have read the articles about how “supermom” does not exist and that being “busy” is no one’s fault but their own.  Somehow, though, I still strive to do IT all and I do not forgive my own missteps.

SO back to last night’s shower situation…

After getting Aiden to bed, glimpsing again at my work email and checking in with my hubby and dog, I exclaimed, “I am going to take a shower.”  My day at the office (I work in my home) had been a long one and I took my husband’s nod and slight glance from the couch as an indication to openly share my day’s frustrations.  It was as if my husband suddenly morphed into one of my gal pals, wine-in-hand, ready to cheer on every rant. 

When I heard the words, “well, it was your decision to start your own business and work from home,” I suddenly realized they hadn’t come from gloss-laden lips.  I stopped, tucked my tail between my legs and sulked up the stairs.  I entered my bedroom, then bath only to be confronted by The Shower. 

Before finding the strength to open the glass door, I sat down, breathing deeply, tears rolling down my cheeks.  It wasn’t my husband’s words that hurt – he is by far my best supporter – it was those pesky thoughts clouding my mind.  Aiden’s quarterly (routine) scans are scheduled for Tuesday of next week.  Staying exhaustively busy seemed to help stave off my fear of the unknown, at least in the short run, because it left my mind no time to wander.

Unfortunately, not taking the time to care for myself has now left me at a disadvantage; my heart is tender, my mind is anxious and my body is tired.  Small daily – and exceedingly normal – tribulations seemed to have taken on monster-like significance.   Despite the hot mess that I had become last night, crumpled in a ball on the bathroom floor…literally, I stepped into The Shower. 

And you know what?  I lived to tell about it.

Instead of continuing on a destructive road, I allowed my mind to think about all of the amazing things that are in abundance around me – first and foremost, my son Aiden.  He IS a Rock Star and I – along with my hubby – will continue to be his biggest fans.

“So irrational-shower-induced thoughts, take THAT! The moments I am living NOW have you beat.”

* * *

We all have worries and fears, which are relevant to our own lives.  Though I believe in acknowledgement of such things, we should also learn how to dismiss (not ignore) them.  Celebrating all the tiny moments, that occur every day, makes us stronger even during times of stress. 

* * *

After getting on my PJs, I walked back to my office.  I sat down, wrapped myself in an electric blanket and closed all open items on my desktop.  I clicked upon the Word icon and started writing this very entry-turned-personal reminder. 

NOTES-TO-SELF:

1. Always remember to shower yourself with the people and things that you love.

2. When you feel like sharing simple daily frustrations and "mommy-rants," phone a friend.  You will gain satisfaction and the best candy-coated response available. :-)

3. Tiny moments matter, too; celebrate them!