The Day-After: before, during and following

-BEFORE-

My phone – alert and ready – was plugged into the charger, ringer on high.  I, on the other hand, was anything but …

Several minutes earlier I had been lying on the guest bed at my parent’s home. Aiden was asleep on one side of me and my mother was situated on the other.  I had just finished reading how the Bearenstein Bears tackled the commercialization of Christmas – at least that was my take – when Aiden let the weight of his sleepy eyes drift him off to dreamland.  Apparently, my whispery naptime voice also worked on my mother.

I stealthily slinked out of the bed as to not interrupt their slumber and walked the familiar hallway down to my parent’s room.  The afternoon sun was at its brightest which did not bode well for my sleep-strained eyes and throbbing headache.  Shielding my face, I quickly shut the blinds and made my way back to the bed.  I needed to rest, but sleep was out of the question; after all, I had to be alert and ready.

When hit by the bus of pure, raw exhaustion, though, not even limitless cups of Starbucks Dark Roast can save you.  I was THAT tired.  So there I sat – yes, sat – with two pillows propping me up while sleep consumed me.  It must have been 45 minutes or so later that my phone rang and, yes, I missed the call.

When I finally opened my eyes, I leapt from the bed almost entirely missing the nightstand housing my phone.  Regaining my balance, I clicked the phone screen awake and saw the missed number.  Aiden’s oncologist had called which meant the preliminary results of his scans were likely in.  At that moment, though, all I could see was the little red dot signifying 1 new voicemail.

After what seemed like an eternity, I got through the prompts and listened to the message. 

“…We will be reviewing Aiden’s scans at radiology rounds on Thursday.  I did speak with the radiologist, though, and Aiden’s MRI and CT show no evidence of residual or recurrent disease…”

Exhaustion was immediately replaced with elation.  So much so, that I couldn’t seem to utter a word.  I somehow made it down to the kitchen where I found my little munchkin enjoying a snack and some Memaw-time (Memaw is the name Aiden gave my mom).  I immediately entangled his little body with my own.  At some-point during the embrace, I shared the wonderful news with my mother.  Calls to daddy and other family members soon followed.

Aiden after hearing the great news (and after I released him from our huge hug)

*  *  *

-DURING-

Originally I had planned to write about the beauty that is encompassed in the day following good results.  Unfortunately, the Wednesday after Aiden’s scans did not go as smoothly as I expected…

(This entry has nothing to do with Aiden’s health; my little superhero is still doing great!)

I woke Wednesday morning as if I was breathing for the first time.  Stepping on the back deck, I slowly swallowed mouthfuls of crisp, cool morning air.  I felt the icy breeze awaken my body as I gazed onto the pond behind our home.  A few ducks were at the waters edge while early morning joggers ran around the perimeter.  I saw the beauty around me but more importantly, I felt it.

Receiving news of Aiden’s continued good health was invigorating.  The day-after is always the best because the next set of routine scans are the furthest away.  Worry is replaced with gratitude and hope persists.  I love the day-after.

On this day-after, though, I was tested.

Earlier, when I spoke of my exhaustion it wasn’t due entirely to worry.  I had been up working on a client request until the wee hours of the morning.  Having just recently begun this professional relationship, I felt it important to heed the request.  Oh, how very wrong I was…

Aiden’s day of imaging was grueling and I was at a disadvantage mentally, physically and emotionally.  Though I felt such relief following his good findings, I was still recovering from the magnitude of it all and “it” is a pretty big burden to bear.

Around noon, on the day-after, it came to light that my new client…my first client…my only client and I would not be able to maintain a healthy working relationship.  I know it boiled down to skewed expectations but I have never been broken down in such a way professionally before; I was in shock.  Though, it was expressed that I was in fact “right” for the job, I knew that the job was in no way right for me.

I felt like I had failed…again.

I left a traditional job only to turn around and sever ties with my first contract.  My life isn’t “normal” and I need more flexibility to tend to Aiden’s appointments, needs, etcetera.  None-the-less, I felt as if I was the common denominator.  The series of events that made up my day-after turned out to be anything but invigorating.  I was embarrassed and worried about the loss of income going forward.

Exhaustion, that had been lying dormant to elation, again surfaced.  This time, though, I did not fight it.

*  *  *

-FOLLOWING-

The next morning, I woke with a sense of clarity and awareness.  I knew that I needed to chalk this misstep up to a learning experience and move forward.  I officially cut-ties with my client on this day-after the day-after.  Life is just too precious to be wasted crying and worrying about a job; that act alone is telling in and of it’s self.

I hugged Aiden so tightly that morning and thanked him for making me so very strong.  He is the reason that I am a better person.  I know what is important in life and what is not.  Though I have never felt confident calling myself the best at anything, I know that I am a good mom and that is by far the most rewarding job I will ever have.

* * *

Today I am at a crossroads.  I am not really sure where my professional life will take me (don’t worry, honey, I am still working on it) but – in the meantime – I am thinking about giving this “writing-thing” more of a shot.  I will be blogging regularly and hope to explore some other writing/speaking opportunities while possibly working on some small-scale consulting gigs.  For now, I am thoroughly enjoying some extra time with the loves of my life.

NOTES-TO-SELF:

1.     Sleep; alertness cannot be feigned.

2.     Live every moment like the day-after; again, tiny moments matter.

3.     You are a superwoman and don’t ever let a person, job or circumstance tell you otherwise.

4.     Life has a plan so let go of presumptions and go with it.

5.     Do what you love – write out loud!